"Big Stuff", continued
At last!
Okay, so remember this post? Back when we first found out we were pregnant? Well, as some of you may have suspected (or already known), the “Big Stuff” I mentioned in my previous post has quite a bit to do with our “Big News”.
There’s not really any good way to say this, but we had a miscarriage. These past few months – ever since mid-August, when we found out that our baby wasn’t going to make it – were incredibly hard. Strangely, they were not as hard as I imagined, and the sadness was not all-consuming. There were good days and bad days, but the grace we experienced through our church and through various things that happened (which I have no doubt were orchestrated by God) made the pain so much more bearable. And through all that time life went on – there were times when I laughed with Brian, and times when we just sat together, just being.
On September 8, in my 22nd week of pregnancy, I went in for induction, and on September 9, at almost 2 a.m., I delivered our daughter, Sarah Grace Marie. She was stillborn. The hospital staff were incredible – they gave us a room in an especially quiet wing of the maternity ward so we could have plenty of privacy, and supported us in every way imaginable (and in many ways that I could not have imagined). They took pictures of our beautiful baby, made casts of her tiny hands and feet, dressed her in clothing sewed and donated by volunteers, and gave us all the time we needed to say our goodbyes before going home.
That was the hardest part. Before this, I had never really experienced the loss of a loved one. All of my family are still living – even my grandparents on both sides. And the loss of our child? That was so very incredibly hard. Saying goodbye to her tiny sweet-smelling body, with which we had spent so little time, was unbelievably hard. Words cannot describe how wrenching it was to say goodbye to her.
We did get to have a funeral for her. She was buried, along with another stillborn baby, on a hill which has a beautiful view of the Rocky Mountain foothills. We had a little service, with our priest, my Nouna (Godmother), and the Godmother we chose for Sarah Grace. On October 29th, we had a larger memorial service for her – a chance not only for us to remember her, but also for our families and friends to get a chance to grieve for her.
Although our daughter never breathed the air of this world, or reached out her fingers to touch another person, I know she has still deeply affected many lives. We are continuing with our lives.
There are still bad days, when someone says something thoughtless, but most days are good (or at least not bad). If I think deeply on certain aspects of our experience with her, I become sad, but mostly she is a sweet memory – like the inexplicably sweet fragrance that she carried on her body.
Beautifully expressed, Anna, Dear. Your heart encourages mine. I love you so much—and miss you! We are looking forward to seeing you soon!
— Mom Nov 11, 07:14 PM #Oh Anna, thank you so much for sharing your heart. I’ve been checking this site every few days, hoping at some point to hear how you’re doing. Your words are a ministry to every reader. Thank you. Love, Jen
— Jen Oshman Nov 13, 04:14 AM #Yes. Thanks, Anna.
— John Mark Nov 13, 07:07 AM #Ah, I’m glad it ministered to you Jen.
And John Mark! Thank you SO MUCH for the little bonsai you and Desiree’ sent! It’s so cute! I named it “Buddy”. :) For the past year or so I’ve really wanted a bonsai tree. I’ve been meaning to call you guys to thank you “in person” but…well, I didn’t. So no excuses. I love your gift though!
— Anna Nov 13, 03:01 PM #my sister lost her daughter to S.I.D.S. i never got to meet her daughter, but i still loved her, i am only 15, and have never had a loss like that. I am sorry to hear about your daughter.
— jamie"93 Mar 18, 06:49 AM #@Jamie93 – Thank you so much for sympathizing with us. It’s true what they say – that time heals wounds (or at least softens them). It has been about a year and a half since Sarah Grace left us, and although we still feel the loss of not having an earthly relationship with her, we know she is praying for us from heaven, and watching over us (and her new little sister, Bridget!), which is a special connection indeed. I totally understand how you can love your niece, even though you didn’t know her. I’m sure she is watching over you and the rest of your family now.
— Anna Mar 18, 11:34 AM #I do not know what to say. The picture is beautiful. Those little feet…....
— Dunja Apr 15, 07:13 PM #I had also a baby, born at 22 weeks. I love to write toe you, my story, meby you kan help me. Pleace? greeting Dunja.
Dearest Anna,
— Jen Pearce Jul 26, 08:55 PM #Thank you so much for sharing the memory of your beautiful daughter with the world. I am 22 weeks pregnant as I write this, and your post has made me stop my ridiculous worrying about many petty things….. Thank you once and again and may God bless you and Brian.
WoW!!! Im very glad to read that days are better. I just got back today from seing my little sister.. she was 28wks and had a stillborn baby she named her Liliana Martinez she is beautiful perfect little face.. Its so hard to know that something like this can happen and that its perfectly normal that it does.. The dynamics of the situation is incredible. My sister is only 21 yrs old and she is devistated. Im looking into this because I really want to know what to say when she asks me why she feels so empty :( thankyou for posting your experience it only assures us that we are not different and that things do happen.. thankyou!
— Elizabeth Verdugo Feb 6, 04:43 AM #I can defiantly understand what you felt at the time. I just lost my little one three weeks ago. I was counting down the weeks to hold her and give her all my love. I was 29 weeks It is a very devistating situation for me and I am so glad to hear that things will get beter and they have. It is still very hard for me and Sammy we have been taking it day by day. Some times I feel like I am going crazy and i dont know what to do. I really appreciate you sharing your wonderful story with everyone. I can understant how beatiful it was giving birth to a lovely angel that you and I both have.
— Monic Verdugo Mar 4, 12:58 PM #Hi Anna,
I lost my twin boys at 22 wks. last year, They were alive for about 2 hrs., I cried everyday, I thought I would go crazy but God helped me to understand that days will get better soon. I still talk to my twin angels everyday, and it makes my pains go away…I am again pregnant now and I have been asking them to watch over their little sister inside my womb…
— Meann Soledad Apr 18, 10:46 AM #God has his reasons, we may never know why but Faith helped go thru the darkest days of my life…
If you haven’t read “Heaven is for Real” by Todd Burpo then that is a very comforting book to read when your baby leaves for heaven sooner than planned. It is a true story of a 3 year old’s experience in Heaven and he gets to meet his sister that his mom had carried to 2 months and miscarried but they had never told their son about the mother’s miscarriage. It had happened before he was born. He meets that sister he’d never known in Heaven and she is older in Heaven maybe 4 or 5 and tells him she is excited to someday meet her mom and dad when they get to heaven. (he later mentions meeting her to his parents who are shocked and amazed) It touched my heart to know that any of our baby angels that leave us early know who we are and are waiting in anticipation for our arrival to Heaven. Simply beautiful.
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